There are things in this world a mother should never have to do. Writing journals to her kids so they know their stories and their mother’s love just in case she isn’t around to tell them are one of those things. Here I am for the second time facing this struggle. The first time was when I was pregnant with our 4th child. I had a condition that the doctors told me made it very likely for me to hemorrhage and possibly bleed out during delivery. As soon as I found out I wanted to write letters to all my kids in case that happened. David of course was not having that sort of talk and told me it would be fine and to trust in God. So I didn’t write the letters. The day of delivery, I hemorrhaged and almost didn’t make it. As they were wheeling me off to surgery to stop the bleeding I remember telling David “I told you I should have written those letters”. But David was right, God had me and I pulled through.
About a year and a half later I was having some health issues. I went to the doctor who ran tests and told me I was fine. I thought I was going crazy! There was no way all the things I was feeling were fine. So I went to another doctor who discovered a pituitary tumor in my brain. Talk about heart stopping. We didn’t know exactly what all of this meant but I went home and I wrote those letters to my babies. I was terrified. All of the what if’s ran through my head and I couldn’t imagine a world were I left my babies so soon. We did specialist appointments and tests and determined the tumor wasn’t growing or causing problems so we would monitor it. I did another scan 6 months later that showed no growth, GREAT news. We also did blood work, that news wasn’t so great. It seemed my tumor was causing some hormonal issues. So we decided to check again to make sure the numbers were correct. The specialist was very blunt with me (in a good way) and told me if these numbers came back the same then we would have to remove my tumor. Which would be brain surgery. Yep, brain surgery, like those words sound so strange and heart stopping coming out of my mouth. Well, blood tests are in. And they are not good. Numbers are still showing some hormonal issues which means brain surgery. I’m sorry, BRAIN SURGERY! Now don’t get me wrong, if you were going to have brain surgery, THIS is the one you want to have, but it is still brain surgery with all the wonderful risks you would expect. I still have to sit down with the specialist and go over all the details, but tonight, tonight I find myself scared, sad and writing in each of my babies journals not just telling them how much I love them but telling them all about their lives and stories with me thus far. This may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The thought of my babies having to read my words instead of hear them breaks my heart in a million pieces but not nearly as much as the thought of them NOT having these journals do. So tonight, tonight I sit here and I write. I try to recall all the little details of each of their amazing lives and put pen to paper so they know just how much I love them and they have something to remember me by. Am I dying? No. Is this totally treatable? Yes. Am I likely to be tumor free with no issues after all of this? Absolutely. But is there a possibility of complications from this surgery? Yes, and for me that’s enough for me to make sure my babies know they are loved! This is one of those things a mother should never have to do. But I am trusting in God to pull me through just as he did last time. I am trusting that God’s plan is a good one and I am just praying that I do not end up being any of their tragedies or defining moments. I just want to be their mom, and love them and watch them grow and be whatever God has called them to be. But just in case, tonight, I write.